Shat Tracker Apps: The Truly Anal Way to Document Your Health

January, January. The notorious month of "New Year, New You!" has come and passed, but people poop forever. Thank God. I fucking love pooping. What a pastime. Recently, I have been studying the widely accepted scientific theory, "There's an App for That." Now, I already know what you're thinking, and I'm one step ahead of you. Is there an app for pooping? You bet your ass there is! In fact, there are multiple applications that can be utilized to track one's bowel movements. What a time to be alive, folks. 

I have taken it upon myself during the month of January to test a  couple of these revolutionary "shat tracker apps" (scientific name, of course) in the name of science/bodily health. Here are my evaluations, complete with obligatory poop puns:

1. PooTime

Fuck this app. This poop tracker is shit. It sends you notifications telling you to poop. I CAN'T JUST POOP ON COMMAND, POOTIME! It also gives you unnecessary badges every time you log a certain number of logs. WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS, POOTIME? I CANNOT PUT THIS ON A RESUME. The app requires you to time your poo, which is not particularly helpful, as you cannot change your start time. GOD FORBID YOU TAKE A SHIT WITHOUT YOUR CELLPHONE.

It does, however, denote date and time of poop, which is helpful if you are trying to determine your PPT, or #primepoopintime. You can rate your poops on a scale of 1 to 5 toilet paper rolls, 1 being a really unpleasant poop and 5 being a fantastic poop. You can also click on "Mr Poo" and change him so that he reflects the true nature of your bowel movement. Other options include "Tiny Pebble Poo" and "Ghost Poo." What the fuck is a ghost poo? Is it an invisible poo? A particularly spooky poo? Air expulsion only? You need to be more explicit, POOTIME. UNACCEPTABLE.


2. Poo Keeper

Poo Keeper is slightly more extensive in its shat tracking capabilities, although it gives you the very uncomfortable option to snap a picture of your poo and record it. "Careful!" Poo Keeper says, warning users that their phones could potentially become unrecoverable sewage submarines if they chose to proceed.

Poo Keeper allows you to note the texture of your poo using the slightly-more-scientific-than-PooTime Bristol Stool Scale. You can also document flow speed and poop quantity AND you can edit the date and time (Poo Keeper: 1. PooTime: 0). There's also a place where you can jot down any relevant notes, like "drank coffee 2.5 minutes before shit storm commenced" or "ate 36-oz steak on Tuesday." Overall, I liked this app the best.

Poo Keeper doesn't give a fuck if you think you had a good poop. It's gonna tell you itself if you did or not. "Human judgement is not to be trusted."--Poo Keeper, probably. 

Poo Keeper doesn't give a fuck if you think you had a good poop. It's gonna tell you itself if you did or not. "Human judgement is not to be trusted."--Poo Keeper, probably. 

3. BM Classic

BM Classic is BY FAR the most thorough shat tracker. If you're having a super-duper hard time getting out your poopers and don't know WHY, congrats! This is the app for you! You can track water intake, stress levels, gluten consumption, poop texture and Bristol Stool Chart description.

Although I think it's a little more difficult to get a general overview of your poo cycle using BM Classic, it is the best app for studying corresponding trends in your bowel movements and lifestyle habits.