The Shopper's Guide to Feelin' Yourself in the Dressing Room

 
 

There's nothing quite as depressing as trying clothing on in a dressing room and NOT FEELING YOURSELF IN ANYTHING. If you're looking to amp up your wardrobe (you picked the right time, btw, summer sale season is HERE and I am LIVING), don't go near a shopping center without feeling your best. YOU DESERVE TO BE FEELINYA FEELINYA FEELINYASELFFF. Here's what I do before I do any serious shopping:

  1. Put on proper undergarments. This usually means a laser cut pair of underwear and a nude strapless bra (with straps on) so you are ready for anything that goes on that sessy bod of yours.
  2. Wear some neutral faves. Your favorite jeans, some understated heels (lifts the butt and makes the legs look 100, hence FEELIN' YOURSELF), a top that'll go with everything (think white, cream, black, chambray, etc.)
  3. Slap some make up on because those lights are unforgiving as heck and you want to look ALIVE.
  4. Squirt some mousse in that hair and treat yourself to a scalp massage for some lusciously voluminous locks.
  5. Poop. I don't know what it is, but every time I set foot in a mall, I have to crap my pants. I don't know what it is. I KNOW I CAN'T BE THE ONLY ONE. So if you're like me, plan ahead, buy a coffee at the food court, and hang out for 20 minutes so you can poop PRIOR to taking off all your clothes in a small room 300 feet away from the nearest expertly hidden bathroom. You'll feel better, too, 'cuz those poop endorphins are real and a less bloated belly will do wonders for your shopping experience.

Holy Crap, I'm Turning Twenty-Five.

Holy mother of pearl nail polish, I am going to be twenty-five years old in an alarmingly short amount of time. This fact is so stressful/revelatory that I might stress poop before I finish this blog post. I am not ready to be twenty-five years old. DO YOU HEAR ME, WORLD? I AM NOT READY. CHER, IF YOU COULD GO AHEAD AND JUST FIGURE OUT HOW TO TURN BACK TIME ALREADY, THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

The struggles of the quarter-life crisis have been hitting me hard this year, but I’m going to embrace it by remembering the following:

  1. Baddie Winkle, badass of the internet, became internet famous when she was, like, eighty-five.

  2. JK Rowling was teaching English when she was 25. Or was daydreaming about Harry. Or got fired. And divorced. I have no idea, internet.

  3. Beyonce had a thriving career. F*ck you, Beyonce.

  4. Kristen Wiig didn’t make it big as an actor until 32. THIRTY-TWO! THERE IS HOPE FOR ME, STILL!

  5. Malala Yousafzai won the Nobel Peace Prize. She’s not even 20 yet. Goddamnit.

  6. Tina Fey worked at the YMCA before she started writing for SNL.

  7. Martha Stewart was working as a stockbroker around 25. Or a model. Or she bought a farm house and started reading Julia Child’s book. Seriously, internet, can you get your facts straight???

  8. Maya Angelou was doing her thing as per usual in that she was a modern dancer with Alvin Ailey and Martha Graham in her twenties (WHAT???? YOU'RE A POET AND A DANCER, MAYA?)

  9. Harriet Tubman escaped from slavery at 27, went back the next year to free some other folks from slavery, and then at 41 led the Raid at Combahee Ferry and freed another 700 folks. SLAY, Harriet Tubman!

  10. Frida Kahlo had her first gallery showing when she was 31.

Moral: Everyone’s path to greatness is different. Not everyone achieves greatness by twenty-five. Twenty-five is a perfectly adequate time to have no idea where the rest of your life is going. PHEW! Do you. Do you so hard that other people #womancrushwednesday you. Most importantly, never be afraid or ashamed to do what you feel is your calling in life.

GO FORTH AND CONQUER, READERS!