How Does Apartment Hunt?


Oh, the apartment hunt. If you're lucky enough to finally (and hopefully, permanently) be moving out of your childhood bedroom, you don't feel like it. EVERYTHING costs more than you anticipated. The cost of living is through the goddamn roof. There are fees for EVERYTHING. You can't afford to live without a roommate. You have to make absolutely certain that this roommate relationship will work. There are a million and a half things to  compromise on and a million and a half more that you know you're forgetting. From my own recent experience, here's an exhaustive (and exhausting) list of things to keep in mind.

  1. The Roommate Sitch/Some important questions to discuss openly: What is your financial status? If something bad happens, how many months can you afford rent without an income? When do you go to bed? When do you wake up? Are you a light sleeper? What is your biggest pet peeve? What do you think is your worst habit? Are there any chores, like vacuuming or taking out the trash, that you absolutely hate doing? Is there anything that is a hard "no" for you (guns, pets, guests, one-night-stands, drugs, horcruxes, crucifixes, garlic)? 
  2. Neighbors: If little noises drive you nuts, or you are a light sleeper, you should probably live on the highest floor. Neighbors above can almost always be heard walking, vacuuming, and fucking. How often does management receive noise complaints?
  3. Crime: Find out what the crime rate looks like for that area.
  4. Bad Days: What's the place look like at night? Is there some shady shit goin' down? Is that shit poorly lit, and therefore LITERALLY shady? Do the grounds or parking lot flood when it rains?
  5. Management: What are the reviews of management online? Are they hit-or-miss? Is the property under new management?
  6. Priorities: Know what they are! Are you hell-bent on having a washer/dryer in the apartment? How much storage space do you need? Do you want a lot of natural light? Extra counter space in the bathroom? Ceiling fans? A bidet? A walk-in pantry? A patio?
  7. Internet: What is your phone signal like there? What is it like in one of the models? Ask if they have a particular internet provider that they work with. DO YOU HATE THAT PROVIDER?
  8. Amenities: Do you give a shit about amenities? Would a gym on-site be a game-changer for you? Is the laundry facility on the other side of kingdom-come? Would a walking trail be great? A dog park?
  9. Location: How far away is the grocery store? Do you want to be near a Whole Foods or Fresh Market? A bar scene? Schools? Public transit?

I've been apartment hunting for months, and I never imagined how tricky it would be finding the ~perfect place~. Hopefully, this information has made your process a helluva lot easier!

Holy Crap, I'm Turning Twenty-Five.

Holy mother of pearl nail polish, I am going to be twenty-five years old in an alarmingly short amount of time. This fact is so stressful/revelatory that I might stress poop before I finish this blog post. I am not ready to be twenty-five years old. DO YOU HEAR ME, WORLD? I AM NOT READY. CHER, IF YOU COULD GO AHEAD AND JUST FIGURE OUT HOW TO TURN BACK TIME ALREADY, THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

The struggles of the quarter-life crisis have been hitting me hard this year, but I’m going to embrace it by remembering the following:

  1. Baddie Winkle, badass of the internet, became internet famous when she was, like, eighty-five.

  2. JK Rowling was teaching English when she was 25. Or was daydreaming about Harry. Or got fired. And divorced. I have no idea, internet.

  3. Beyonce had a thriving career. F*ck you, Beyonce.

  4. Kristen Wiig didn’t make it big as an actor until 32. THIRTY-TWO! THERE IS HOPE FOR ME, STILL!

  5. Malala Yousafzai won the Nobel Peace Prize. She’s not even 20 yet. Goddamnit.

  6. Tina Fey worked at the YMCA before she started writing for SNL.

  7. Martha Stewart was working as a stockbroker around 25. Or a model. Or she bought a farm house and started reading Julia Child’s book. Seriously, internet, can you get your facts straight???

  8. Maya Angelou was doing her thing as per usual in that she was a modern dancer with Alvin Ailey and Martha Graham in her twenties (WHAT???? YOU'RE A POET AND A DANCER, MAYA?)

  9. Harriet Tubman escaped from slavery at 27, went back the next year to free some other folks from slavery, and then at 41 led the Raid at Combahee Ferry and freed another 700 folks. SLAY, Harriet Tubman!

  10. Frida Kahlo had her first gallery showing when she was 31.

Moral: Everyone’s path to greatness is different. Not everyone achieves greatness by twenty-five. Twenty-five is a perfectly adequate time to have no idea where the rest of your life is going. PHEW! Do you. Do you so hard that other people #womancrushwednesday you. Most importantly, never be afraid or ashamed to do what you feel is your calling in life.